Goodbye Mom

I don’t really talk about my Mom a lot.  She had been in permanent care at Allendale in Milton for the past 9 years.  13 years ago she was diagnosed with Huntington’s Disease, the same disorder that had taken her own father.  It is a genetically passed nerodegenerative disorder.  There is no cure as slowly your body mentally and physically shuts down.  Mom passed away today, she was only 65.

I am not very good at dealing with emotions, so I figured I would try to see if I could reconcile my feelings in some writing.  I can’t guarantee this won’t be anything more then incoherent rambling.  The news today did not come as a surprise.  She took a turn for the worst several months ago and we thought we would lose her then, she made a pretty impressive recovery.  Last weekend she took another bad turn and they had to put her on a machine to assist her breathing.  Getting any sort of nutrition into her over the last couple of months has been a challenge.

Two feelings fill me … sadness and relief.  This is the part that is hard to reconcile.  I don’t think anyone has to explain being sad to lose a loved one, it is the relief that is hard.  She has suffered for many years, literally shrinking to just skin and bones, trapped in a body body she had lost control of.

My Mom has not been able to speak for 5+ years nor walk for more then that.  Experts on the disease will tell you that the mental facilities degenerate just as quickly the physical ones.  If that was true she won’t not know much about Heidi and our marriage and nothing about her grandson Travis.  Both of which she would have loved dearly.  This is the part that hurts the most.  So I choose to not to believe it.  When we would go and visit there was enough of a stir, enough of a smile to let me think there was recognition there.

The genetic nature of the disease is also the reason why me and my sister were adopted.  My mother was an only child so my parents had an opportunity to prevent future family generations from experiencing this disease.  I could only wish people would this kind of thought into deciding to have children these days.  I find many parents have children for purely selfish reasons (or no reason at all).

I love you Mom.  I am sad you have gone but glad you have escaped your prison.